A Gem Of Knowledge

I found a paper by Richard Carlson detailing happiness.
I found it very perceptive and enlightening.

http://www.melbabenson.com/articles_files/You%20Can%20Be.pdf

May 31, 2010

Surge

The gentle flow caressing my heart
Carving it slowly into art.
The torrents, the stress
Can feel so powerless.
The senses, the touch
The feelings, the rush
So intricately carving all that I am.

Seeking meaning in the safety of control.
Doing the best to direct the soul.
The shimmers of beauty at first dawns light.
The storms of sorrow at midday's crest.
A glimmer of hope as day fades to night.
Calm and surrender creeping into sight.

The inner turmoil of my heart creating a story carved of experience and love,
And the storms of life sieging my soul.
In the rains a beauty unfolds.
The tears of life falling upon the heart.
Never lose hope for-
Within the surges, the fights, the turbulence, the forces of nature a subtle twist,
The feeling, the expression, the sensation, and the motivations uncover the mask of beauty within.

Behind this screen called life, a menagerie of actors hollow and clear.
Beauty of ambitious motivation, before tainted by the poison of doubt.
Actors affixed through a veil of atoms and molecules.
Transcending construction, a bridge of heart and love.
In the middle can be discovered bliss in happiness.
The bridge hopefully not destroyed by weapons of greed, jealousy, and lust.
Or weakened over time by boredoms rust.
Weathering life's storms;
And from the ravaging surge of it's banks, protection is found in the glimmering veils of hope and love.

May 30, 2010

Serenity

I lie here looking at this screen.
Trying to express something I cannot quite conceptualize.
Words are so constraining, constricting.
I am looking for something.
I think it's serenity.
I have been lucky to be perfectly content as of late.
However, I have starved myself of feeling and expression.
This has happened before.
I become a little numb inside.
I lose sight and focus.
I am dancing around what I am trying to say.
The irony is I can't express what I want to say.
This is because what I want to say is what I feel.
Words are so cold and weak.
I am content, but something is missing.
Perhaps a run. A run to feel.

May 10, 2010

Reaction

I think most of us have an aspect in ourselves to react emotionally to the things our world dishes out to us. I will talk of this from the context of myself. We all react to different things, and have different things we care about.

First I want to emphasize with Halo is that while it is a video game don't write it off. What I am saying here is able to be generalized to everything you care about in the slightest. Secondly I wish to emphasize that for the most part I take it pretty lightly and just play for fun, and don't care weather I win or lose. During competitive stints though I do take it a little more seriously, and losing is depressing. (Sounds like I am trying to convince myself here, eh?)

I get into Halo now and again for a few weeks every semester. I decide I want to be good, and work for that. Usually, however I end up quiting because I get nothing from it as far as general contentment of my life goes, and either I lose alot or win very easily.

When I play I notice subtle reactions in myself. My emotions affect my judgments and interactions. I get a little angry when other players do things that result in me losing badly, even when I would do the same thing in their shoes. My intellect tells me that it doesn't make sense for me to be angry at these people - for one it is only a game which is relatively inconsequential to my life in regard to winning or losing; and secondly them being good is no reason for me to dislike them. However, I do dislike them. I would even say "hate" would be a better word.

This hatred is an emotional reaction that conflicts with how I would like myself to react and behave. Now I can control myself, I don't have outbursts or anything like that. However, I still have this internal reaction going on that I would rather not exist at all. It clouds my judgement and pushes me to do things which are in no way constructive to myself or anyone else. It is a similar reaction you see in alot of modern arguments and events. People hate the others for thinking differently or doing things differently. They do destructive things, that help neither themselves or others.

The interesting thing is, with the awareness of this in myself. I also get a little saddened even when I win. I know that most other players probably feel similarly when they lose badly. When I can get 10 to 1 streaks, I know there is a high probability they are sad or angry. For anyone with any amount of empathy for others, this awareness with the knowledge of what they are experiencing is enough to make the win non-satisfying. There is the occasional "good game" where we are evenly matched and exchange places frequently. These are satisfying, and even the loser can walk away feeling good, but I think in the other cases the reactions reveal a subtle side of myself (and others) that we often forget about or that goes unnoticed. In the future I want to work to mute this negative response to loss. I want simply clarity. If I am to do well under pressure and in difficult times, I cannot be letting emotional reactions affect my actions and judgement.

This same concept carries for situations in everyday life. I am speaking in weak generalizations here, but one example from my experiences is "Liberals" seem to strongly dislike "Conservatives" and vice versa. There is a problem separating the individual person from the belief or idea in regard to emotional reactions. Often the topics are inconsequential. For example I tend to have a negative stance against religion. I very much was against it in my past years. However, what you choose to believe is usually (there are exceptions) of no consequence to me.

It should not matter to me if you want to think something different. The problem is it often does, and I care for the most part only to attempt to change your view, and if I cannot make progress I end up slightly hating you for the duration of the discussion of the topic. After the discussion I sweep it under the rug, and if we have other common ground, I will remember that you are a good person except when it comes to that topic. With no common ground, I may dislike you in general for the stance on the topic alone. These particular emotions and feelings corrupt our logic and humanity. I think the most important part is admitting these emotions are there, and becoming aware of them and then evaluating weather this is actually how we want to handle ourselves.

Addendum,
I believe myself much more neutral on religion in general now, partially in recognition of the above. I'd also like to add if the above is not something you believe you share, think about the things you really care about. Think what you think when others confront you on these things of importance; are you emotionally and judgmentally attached to these things to the point you ignore most of the influence of your human empathy and logic?

Apr 12, 2010

:)

As I get older I find myself valuing and seeing things differently. In the last week I found myself no longer nervous or anxious to the idea of going over seas. Studying\traveling abroad is something I have always wanted to do. I am fascinated with culture, and experience. It is through the experience of new things that we live and that the fire in our hearts ignites in the brightest shades.

Ever since I have switched majors, I feel good. Life is wonderful. I see myself as a leader. I know what I am doing and what I have control of, and I am comfortable with the things I do not have control of. Mechanical Engineering consumed alot of me. I was in the major with friends. This held me back. Sometimes it is good to break from the pack where things are comfortable. My friends in a way were drowning me.

Older people say this all the time, but it's something you don't understand until you have the experience, the feelings, and the emotions to describe it. It's an abstraction that cannot be shown to another person who has not experienced it. There are words...."abstraction"....they carry a great value to me now. In prior parts of life there are words that were vague...words that did not carry weight or meaning in the same way they do now.

We convey conscious meaning with words. What these words mean to me are for the most part, from what I can perceive, the same words with the same meaning for you. However, as I get older I increasingly find there are some words....they do not mean the same for you as they do for me. They have attached to them a concept that is a greater abstraction than can be conveyed purely by other words or communication. It can be an experience, a feeling, an emotion or something the cannot be categorized. To a strict realist this may sound like subjective blasphemy, but alas it is a real as anything else for me.

I have had low spots over the last few years. Times when I felt like my brain and my soul were being slowly suffocated. I have had many internal battles in regard to religion, beliefs, ideas, and a foe much more powerful and greater than any of these. This foe, my nemesis, is myself. My doubts, my emotions, my feelings, my fights with my self. For the longest time...I just could not understand....

I will do my best to convey this, but as it something very internal to me it will be hard to properly convey the proper depth in these shallow words. The war going on in my head is something I have observed for a long time. This war is between my feelings, emotions, and what I will call me. When I say "me" I am referring to my soul, my consciousness, my current experience. Me as I am right now without the physical interactions of the world directly controlling me. I am strongly convinced emotions and feelings are physical factors we must all face. The simple fact that a simple thing like drugs can toy with emotions convinces me this is so.
I know what I want to do. I know what I must do to succeed. I know what I have to do to get anything I want. I know these things in the sense of the actions I must take to make things happen. However, this ranty writing as you already know is not without a counter force. While I know what I must do, all the time in my mind there is a force that exerts a very powerful motivation. Sometimes this motivation co aligns with what I want to do. Other times it does what it can to convince me to do things that destroy the means that I desire to create the ends I desire.

It's a common foe. It is the same foe that keeps the alcoholic coming back for one more drink. It's the same foe that keeps you from going to the gym daily. It's the same foe that makes you eat just one more chunk of goodness of that junk food. It's this foe that I have fought the past 3 years.

It will be my day of true enlightenment when my soul has complete freedom from direct influence of emotion. When I can make a decision and keep it. Set a goal and complete it. It should matter not what the goal or decision is.

It's an interesting thing I am experiencing right now. I am happy, ambitious and excited. I am doing what I like right now. Ahead of me is only adventure, and it is adventure that I embrace with open arms because to be blunt it looks fun. I don't have mastery over myself, however what my feelings, and emotions want are aligned well enough with what I really wish to do that things are going well.

Jan 9, 2010

Abortion - Edited 4/4/2010

EDIT: 4/4/2010 - I am being unfair to religion (Catholic here) in this post. Not because my point is bad, but because of my intentions and emotions when I wrote this. I have a personal policy not to censor or edit my "published" writings. (By edit I mean change what I wrote.) I believe when I click publish it will republish to 4/4/2010, but I posted this in late 2009. That said, when I wrote this it was with a bit of a personal vendetta\agenda against religion. I wish to apologize for this, and any (of the one or two that look at this :) ) offenses I might have caused. I believe if I am to cultivate wisdom under the context of virtue, it must be clear, logical, and without motivation in itself of agenda. Intentions do matter, and my intentions here were not virtuous. I still do however hold the same stance in regard to abortion.
END EDIT

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/11/23/kennedy.abortion/index.html
This article is about the rejection of communion for being pro-choice.

I replied to the article and I am posting the comment I made here, as I believe I conveyed my idea (view on pro-choice vs pro-life) well.

"The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops lobbied...."
I believe we should have stricter definitions for allowing religious institutions to skip out on taxes since they are an exception (i.e. tax most of them). I find it ridiculous that untaxed money can go to politics indirectly through religious groups.

Second I will bump a comment which I whole heartedly agree with, and corrects a misunderstood concept in regard to abortion debate:
"Whats interesting is how many of my uncles in the priesthood are for abortion rights. They are old enough to remember the days of coat hangers and back alley abortions and the mess that that causes. They still believe its a sin, but they believe that your sins are between you and god. And that as a public policy outlawing abortion does more harm then good."

When someone is "pro-choice" it does not mean they are "pro-abortion" What it can mean is they believe the choice is the person''s to make and that current judicial enforcement has consequences which may generate other moral conflict without actually solving anything i.e. creating more problems (wasted resources, angry debates, politics, and bureaucracy, compromising of rights for enforcement) and not solve what it's supposed to or "All pain, no Gain". In other words making it a law, does not mean people won't get abortions. You might say the same about murder, but the difference with abortion is that the risks of getting caught can be reduced to almost zero (unless you also want to video record every american woman 24/7) making the law almost impotent except for closing clean facilities and creating government waste. With the above mentioned I find it ridiculous for Church representatives to "punish" someone for the above viewpoint out of moral virtue for babies when in fact it's not directly that at all.
It is not the question "Would you let this baby die, or save it?" it is more like "This baby could die and we want to go about fixing it in way X"
X might mean all kinds of nasty consequences, and disagreeing with X does not directly imply a support for the clause of the issue X is to fix. Disagreement simply implies belief in either ineffectiveness of X, little chance of success vs. high cost, or compromising of other values (virtues or morals) which compromise the virtue of X making X non-virtuous.

I also find this religiously condratictive for the Catholic religion especially after a prior pope (Pope John Paul II) condoned (in that he gave) communion to "pro-choice" supporters. So allowing these actions to occur or continue is either 1. Saying the previous pope (highest physical moral authority for Catholics) was wrong on this critical "moral issue" or that 2. The previous pope was right, and these actions will be allowed to continue out of indecision or compromise of integrity (as apparently the denial of communion for this has been done with others in the past.)

All this is imho, and held under the condition the above article is accurate.


EDIT: 4/4/2010 - I am being unfair to religion (Catholic here) in this post. Not because my point is bad, but because of my intentions and emotions when I wrote this. I have a personal policy not to censor or edit my "published" writings. (By edit I mean change what I wrote.) I believe when I click publish it will republish to 4/4/2010, but I posted this in late 2009. That said, when I wrote this it was with a bit of a personal vendetta\agenda against religion. I wish to apologize for this, and any (of the one or two that look at this :) ) offenses I might have caused. I believe if I am to cultivate wisdom under the context of virtue, it must be clear, logical, and without motivation in itself of agenda. Intentions do matter, and my intentions here were not virtuous. I still do however hold the same stance in regard to abortion.
END EDIT

Nov 24, 2009

A Note from present Me to future Me.

If you want to be something...become it with every breath you take. The only time is now - be who you are now.

Imbue your heart, virtue, and soul in your life.
Let passion, ambition, and joy fuel you.
Be strong as steel for the world is as you see it.
Remember you can take control. Focus and become who you are.

Oct 5, 2009

Rogue

I am falling asleep inside.
So many questions inside.
A maelstrom of thoughts, feelings, and emotions molest my soul.
Organizing this mess sometimes progresses but recurrently ends up with my soul as cold as coal.

Imitation, creation, and loss of motivation.
Perception and erosion effecting corrosion.
Working hard to create a facade to create complement to your judgement of whom I should be.
Caring more about this facade than what my own character should be.

I am an actor in my own extraordinary story.
Alas I am only half of the main character in my story.
You create the other half.
Do I really have control?
Sometimes the actor acts without motivation of my soul.

Looking out to the world, hate in other's eyes.
Feelings set in and create emotional lies.
Blind to our own monstrosity we discriminate and twist.
Looking back we ask what it could have been we missed.
The rise of malevolence silently distressing the thoughts
An evil in the heart rising inside that the soul has caught.

Such a force inside for the soul to control
Subtly driven inside, slowly turning the mind into a fool.
But hey it says you are a good person these thoughts are just thoughts.
Stealthily it hides. The malevolences inside.

In us all a hidden rogue.
Undiscovered a corrupter of man
But it is said the man does all that he can
A subtle beauty in the mosaic of forces at work.
Slowly working on the man.

It is the soul that decides how to feel
When a turmoil grows inside, it is the soul that chooses to reel
It is in a choice
We create an illusion to ourselves with but one little voice.
An illusion we strive to protect.
The illusion in the facade we create.
A coalition of lies to ourselves.
In this a deep evil we fail to respect.

Insecurity rising inside.
It is you who must respect the house in which I reside.
Should you not then hostility will ensue
For my view is unconditionaly to be your view
In this hostility a great hatred is nurtured.
For if we cannot agree, the multitude of us together can never be
The hatred is righteous for it is for my cause.
My ideas unquestioned are to be respected.
For my ideas I will protect at any loss
It is you who is a threat not accepting my belief.
It is you who posions the tree and it's every leaf.
I take action because I care, but this reason is an escuse.
Blinded in my passions and my emotions I am deceived by the dark side of my heart.
I no longer need ask what is Virtuous, for I am a justice of good.
My judgement is unquestioned. Undisputed. I am the judge.
It is my responibility to fight what it not righteous, and what is not righteous is your ideas.
I know I am unmistakable in my belief
My ideas and beliefs are all I need.

Aug 19, 2009

Dan Le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip - Angles

Thing’s in life aren’t always quite what they seem, there’s more than one given angle to any one given scene. So bare that in mind next time you try to intervene on any one given angle to any one given scene.



My name’s Mark, I go to Uni and College, don’t socialise that much, I just revise and use knowledge. At times I find that hard become a virtual recluse and let my belt of interruption hang decisively loose. But I came here to learn, that’s the life that I choose and if people think I’m boring then they can bring their abuse. See, a lot of people think I’m boring and say that maybe I’m a weirdo and maybe I’m gay but that’s cool, ‘cause when I get a good job and good pay I’ll get a house for just my brother and me some day. That’s the reason I’m here, just to build for the future. If it means better grades I’ll even sleep with my tutor.



Thing’s in life aren’t always quite what they seem, there’s more than one given angle to any one given scene. So bare that in mind next time you try to intervene on any one given angle to any one given scene.



My name’s Paul, I’ve been a guard for six months and the shop that I guard is better than most dumps and I like it here, my boss is a pro, he’s taught me tricks of the trade other guards wouldn’t know. He’s taught me in this game there’s some rules you gotta bend and not to forget these thieving pricks ain’t your friends and appearance is key there’s a message to send and above all it’s your fellow guards to defend. The other day my boss was stabbed by some low-life psycho, He’s in hospital now so every night that’s where I go, he’s on the brink but he’s showing no fear though ‘cause if he dies there, he’ll be dieing a hero.



Thing’s in life aren’t always quite what they seem, there’s more than one given angle to any one given scene. So bare that in mind next time you try to intervene on any one given angle to any one given scene.



My name’s Keith, I ain’t so much a racist. But when I reach out my hands I decline the place. I work security in a shop, in charge of 5 other guards, I got all their respect ‘cause I run this shit hard. I nicked one kid today, didn’t show enough respect and attention. I grabbed him by his neck as my form of redemption. Didn’t do no harm, just made sure that it hurt, it ain’t going by the book but believe me it works. Then I sent him on his way, this little shit knows the score now. I saw a little bit of fear, he won’t darken my door now. That’s what I do, stop these kids from decline, do what their parents won’t do. Put down some boundaries and lines.



Thing’s in life aren’t always quite what they seem, there’s more than one given angle to any one given scene. So bare that in mind next time you try to intervene on any one given angle to any one given scene.



My name’s Billy. I’ve been beaten since I was three, Mum died when I was born and Dad takes it out on me. He ain’t a bad man, He just gets drunk and feels alone, I tend to go for walks and hope he’s asleep when I get home. Don’t like to talk about it though. As I said, it ain’t his fault, it only happens when he’s drunk as a last resort. Tried to get him a gift, to show my support, but had no money and I stole and I guess I got caught. At times like that, I tend to switch of my mind, stare blankly into space and let what happens unwind. I seemed to anger this guard, he put his hands around my neck, he said it’s time for me to learn some manners and respect. It hurt. I’ve had worse before, it made me realise life is just a series of wars. I went straight home that day and locked the bathroom door. Took a blade to both wrists, they won’t hurt me no more.



Thing’s in life aren’t always quite what they seem, there’s more than one given angle to any one given scene. So bare that in mind next time you try to intervene on any one given angle to any one given scene.



My name’s Mark and today I was told my brother is dead. I returned home from university, tears on his bed. On his pillow I found his suicide note and read what had happened that day and what had fucked up his head! The anger I felt there are no words to express, I filled with so much rage there is no way to digest. I grabbed a knife, I went to town, it was time to regress. Back to an eye for an eye, last breath for last breath. I went straight up to the counter, I said I’d like to speak to the guard who nicked my brother on Tuesday of this week. As the girl knocked on the door and disappeared out of sight, I put my hand in my pocket, gripped the knife tight. This was it, as she pointed me out to the guard, My hand began to shake I held the knife so hard. As he approached me, there was nothing to say. I stabbed that Fucker eight times, before they could take me away.



Thing’s in life aren’t always quite what they seem, there’s more than one given angle to any one given scene. So bare that in mind next time you try to intervene on any one given angle to any one given scene.

Aug 11, 2009

Waking Sleep

Head in one place
Heart in another

Beauty in the storm
Happily depressed

Suffocating slowly

Atlast freedom to breathe
Happiness touching my soul
Head and heart together
Two parts united into one

In the destruction of the past a lesson learned
Experience gained from the chains that held my divided soul

Free for a while happy to live
In my scars the lessons of the past
Reminding me to let the light of life,
into my heart and soul bringing me to life.

Jul 7, 2009