Musings of Life (Why?)

I ask myself often why I can't grab control of life. Why can't I do what I want? I want to succeed. I want to take life and make it my own. In order to do this I want to do well in my educational career. I want to complete tasks as they come up. I want to excel. Yet I waste time - why? My mind is of two parts. My soul or me as I am if you prefer, and my other half my emotions, my current desires, and the "autopilot" of my life. When I say "I", I will be referring to me as I am stripped clear of all my emotions and desires. My emotions and feelings convince me on the spur of the moment to take a path of autonomy. I am like the boss in the factory, with a team (my feelings\emotions) recommending minimalistic easy paths.

I have the final decision on what I do. Yet often I let this other part of me decide for me. I let it take control. I fall asleep inside. I wander through life day in and day out, waiting to awaken inside, while this other part of me takes what I am given and reacts. I am making a choice every time I release control. I am responsible for this choice. I cannot claim ignorance of my doings due to the autonomy of my current life. It is I who pass the final decisions on what I do. It is my will that I am talking about. My will is not strong. Resolutions fall under the whim of a feeling of desire to do something. My will releases control and my feelings and emotions take control. I get lost in the tornado of thoughts in my head. I undergo constant analyzation of everything in my life. I feel anxiety. I feel stressed riding the roller coaster of contentment and repression in life. So what is the answer to control? Some would resort to religion to answer this question, but I believe God allows us our own journey in discovery of this purpose, and I believe it to be one of the major purposes of life itself for it is the value of a man.

The answer is I need to wake up.

I need to remember what I have and forget what I don't.

I need to think about decisions and choices, I need to recognize when I make them, rather than making them without thought.

I need to make decisions to make a life I want, rather than accepting a life that is thrown upon me by life and living in autonomy.

I need to recognize that my problems, and my faults are my own fault and my responsibility.

I need to recognize that a choice today has consequences tomorrow and what those consequences are.

Most of all I simply need to say no to the feelings and desires. Sometimes they coincide with what I want. Sometimes they don't. I need to step up and take control and lead myself.

I must realize I am my own worst enemy.

Aug 5, 2008

1 Comment:

Angel said...

Thanks for replying to my blog!

I read the first post of your blog and agree a lot with what you said! I especially agree with the last part where you said that you are your own worse enemy - which I feel is the same thing that I feel about myself!

Like you I also have problems maintaining a calm and cool (and positive) attitude. Negative thoughts get in the way and sometime they take over! - that is something that I am working on also!

Actually I have a horoscope "thingie" on my blog and for today it said that I should concentrate on what I CAN do instead of thinking about (and agonizing about) the things that I can't do! Which is very good advice and so applicable to me and my current circumstances!

So here is to both of us gaining control over our lives!